i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
