Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
