tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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