Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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