i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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