it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
