I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
