Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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