Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
