those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
