Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
