He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
