My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
