he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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