after a month anything with tits is on the radar
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
