Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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