I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
