I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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