sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I have peed in a lot of sinks
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
