she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
