I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
