u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
