sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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