Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
