I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
