it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
