I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Moan for me like Helen Keller
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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