I'm sorry my penis didn't work
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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