Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
