While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
