You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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