so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
