There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
