all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
