Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
