Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
