It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
