Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
