So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
