and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
