Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
