So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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