i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
