I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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