Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
