Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
