Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I know her cup size but not her name....
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