one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
