Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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