Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
